Lately I've had problems sleeping. It's always been a constant battle of getting to sleep. Unless I am completely and utterly knackered then I just fall asleep of course. As a normal person doing normal things (which sometimes I wish I could do) and going to bed at that normal time and then waking up at a normal time is what my mother always tells me about.
"If you had a normal job you would sleep normally and then you'd feel better"
None of all this, go to bed at 2am ish and then wake up around 10 or 11am or even later depending on how tired I am or what I've done recently. Or getting up at 4am to get a coach to London for the day and then working those unsociable hours because that's just what works right now, being flexible.
I've been thinking of reasons that disturb my sleep patterns, my routine, my thought processing and generally I think it's all down to how I lead my life at the moment. Obviously it is. I've had a tough year, modelling has been good in terms of working with new people and very established well known companies and brands so that's been really good, but all the other stuff around that has been a bit poo. Time is the best thing to sort your head out and let go of the bad things (or the bad people) even if that is easier said than done. 2017 so far has been okay, and I'll just keep plodding through it, sorting a few things out along the way. I've been pretty happy lately which has been nice.
Things work out or they just don't, plod plod.
Keep going.
Can't change things just do your thing.
Find your thing.
Plod plod.
Working in hospitality as well as modelling is just what I'm doing at the moment. That needs to change, just as a growing up kind of thing. I love it, I really do. I like working with people, meeting new people, building that relationship between customer and client and it's what I've always done and been happy with. I'm just finding it difficult thinking long term. I'm not a long term kind of person. I'm not really sure why. I've always just thought, Oh right now this is good, I'm having fun, I'm enjoying life. I think like that for everything, jobs, relationships, life, you know the normal things. But really I should, and have been thinking, for a number of years now, that I really should sort that bit out. Sort out how not to think about that. Also sort out not thinking about making other people happy before myself. Sort out just being happy (which I am sometimes but I just need to change a few bits around now to make life work)
Doing things to make people happy. If they're happy I'm happy.
Sometimes it's easy to say that and to think that to myself but perhaps it's just an easy option. I personally think (and I know others have said to me too) that I can do better.
I want to do better.
Expect nothing, appreciate everything. I think this is really important.
It's a good way of thinking about things and not to get yourself into a muddle, especially when it comes to relationships and by that I mean both friends and boys - for me (or girls for you, or boys or whatever) Some people might view this statement as a negative one, but no, it's just a straight up one, it says it for what it is. Just how it is, no biggie.
I am just
I get it it's a hard world out there and things change, things change a lot and there are always people who want to do the same as you and yes keep trying and keep pushing for it.
Some get it, some don't.
It's not an easy journey, but life never is (for the majority of people anyway). It's hard and it's so easy to stop trying to achieve what you want. It's exhausting and stupid and I hate the job hunt so so much. Just be positive, don't let it get you down. The thing that happens is you apply to alllllllll these things and you hear nothing or you apply to alllllllll these things and the company actually reply (basically) saying 'Sorry but you're not as good as other people who have applied and you're not that skilled but don't worry keep trying' Yeah that makes you feel so amazing right. The constant battle of am I ever going to get anywhere with something that I want to do, not knowing what I want to do but I know anything I apply for is something I would be good at, but am just never given the chance. I'm not some kid who's just finished uni or about to, I'm not on some grad course and working out my next steps, what's going to be in the next chapter, who's going to be the star player or the romance. This is not some lovely life book this is something I am just trying to work out.
I found this image on Instagram and it pretty much is relatable (plus I love snails)
I try not to compare myself to others (I'm not talking about 'famous people' or 'celebrities' but the people who you actually know). I know it's hard to look at photos people put online about their life and saying look how happy I am. Sometimes they are, and maybe sometimes they're not. I'm not bothered if they're not and it's all for show. If you're happy that's great.
As a single person, completely single. I don't even have a pet cat or dog. Or a baby or any potential men (sadly) it can sometimes be sad to see all these happy people enjoying life with their partner or going on mental holidays and adventures. All these things I'd love to do with someone. I could go on holiday alone, but for me personally I just don't want to. I want to enjoy my time somewhere with someone, whether it's a happy or a not so happy memory in the long term.
It's about experiences.
So all these things are in my head, the majority of the time and sure now you're thinking and I already know, this is why I find it hard to close my eyes, to sleep, to relax. So I sometimes just have a break from it all, to escape, even if it's just me in my room chilling out, listening to music, trying not to think of everything and anything. Or what I do is do too much, push myself too much and then get exhausted. So exhausted I can't sleep, I want to, but I can't. Then I'm back in the routine of in and out of sleeping. The weird dreams. Where my brain is trying to squish all my thoughts together and make sense of them. Working from the subconscious thoughts and then some random bits and trying to work it all out and put into some sort of memory block.
You can't sleep because you're not letting yourself. You're stressed, you're over tired. You're exhausted. You need a break from thinking about all this stuff. Don't get down about it.
You're doing just fine.
(and that snail image above is just so good)
I think that's the main one really.
You're doing just fine.
Don't overthink.
Sleep will happen eventually.
Tea helps. I like tea. I drink a lot of tea, it makes me happy. (Tea and biscuits is the best) But I also like herbal teas because they are good for you aren't they? Nice and calming. Good for sleep time.
I really like Pukka tea. I've been trying to test out new flavours. I recently bought the peppermint and liquorice one. I mean separately they're great but together I am not that sure. My favourites are Detox and Night Time and new one Cleanse. They all smell like feet but when brewed properly they are amazing. Like an amazing pair of smelly feet. I don't really like feet generally, but anyway try Pukka tea if you haven't already.
Hopefully my sleep pattern will sort itself out and my brain too. Rest is important.
I'm at my mums, doing this, and looking for normal jobs. She's made carrot cake, my favourite and a cup of tea so I must go. But this has been fun right?
Speak soon,
Amy
xx
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