Fog of the Future

You know what, and to be honest, I haven't been the complete best with myself recently, but really, I've just been feeling a bit shit recently, for a number of different reasons. Trying to concentrate on working out the jigsaw, working on all the little bits and still not getting there with any sort of pattern. I'm usually good at these. 

I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be going (in life) what I want to do or what I'm supposed to be doing or whether I'm supposed to be knowing what I'm doing.

I'm at the age where I'm feeling like .. right now surely I should be proud of where I'm at. 

But really supposedly you should be proud of whatever you're at when you're doing that.

That's the thing, panicking about doing the right thing or not doing the right thing or what is the right thing?

I've been trying to decide whether modelling is going anywhere for me. I enjoy it yes. But realistically money wise it's getting me nowhere. I'm sometimes getting some. But mostly I'm not getting much. That's the honest truth. Maybe I'm getting more than some but for me it's not enough. It's not driving me. I want more. People always want more. It's not that I don't want it. I do. It's not that I'm even giving up to it. The competition is everywhere. It's a hard lifestyle. It's the inconsistency of it really. 

I love it and I hate it. 

Marmite. (I don't even like Marmite but I love twiglets) is that even a thing? I don't know. I'm at that stage where I'm thinking do I give it all up and concentrate on the real world. 
The real world which is still a struggle to achieve. 

Do I love what I do but I am just not earning enough to achieve something. Or do I love what I do because I like working with new people, helping them grow their business.
I want people (other people) to do well, but not myself? It's come to a point where; yes I want to help you out but I also want to and should feel the need to help myself out too. 

It's a two-way thing. 

That's always the thing in this Industry. The fashion industry. Or the makeup industry. Or in anything. I'm doing this because I want to. I want to make you happy and believe in yourself but surely I should believe in myself too. And I should want to. I need to. It's just a difficult thing to do. 

To want to, to need to, and to be appreciated for doing so.

Where does money come into it? Well, really money doesn't really do that much. Deciding the life of .. let's do this. Let's ignore the constant no money thing. Let's just carry on. Or do I forget it all and at least I tried? I don't know. That's where I'm at right now. I just don't know what to do. 

What is right. What I should do. What is right to do. 

What's earning me money? Modelling isn't right now and that's why I just shouldn't technically, practically and logically but giving up the dream of having that thing that I want, that everyone else wants is that what I should do? 

I just don't know. I don't know what to do.

Maybe I'll do something new for a bit and that might help me be me again.

- Advice is welcomed. Everyone's been there. It's just how to get out of it is the struggle.

Thanks for reading/scrolling

Amy